Not a good day

Today is the day I have been dreading the most since we lost the baby back in October.Today is the day that Addison would of been born and I keep thinking of what if...Its crazy to know that if things went differently that I would have my child today. I am so full of mixed emotions I don't know what to feel and its very confusing .I feel empty and depressed all at the same time, I know they say things happen for a reason but it still doesn't hurt any less.
    I know I must be driving Kenny crazy because I am obsessed with getting pregnant again, but I can't help it.I so very badly want a child .Its all I can think of. People say I should be grateful for Alexis and I am , but its not the same.I love her like my own, but I will never have the bond with her that she has with Vicki. I love Alexis and I want what is best for her and whats best for her is going to be taking her away from her  birth mother for her own safety.I feel bad, but I would feel worse if something ever happened to Alexis because Vicki isn't taking care of her the right way.I mean every time we get Alexis she is dirty, wearing clothes that don't fit and she seems like she is starving, not to mention the bruises that I find on her..Plus  Kenny's lawyer in a incompetent twit that does nothing to help him. I am just so frustrated right now

Keep your friends close

I am beyond angry!!!! A friend that I thought was friend for over 20 years is nothing more than  backstabbing bitch that is blinded by what she thinks is love.She makes me sick!!! She spends years saying that she doesn't love Corey.Then they both end up on my couch( and all of the sudden oh I love Corey so much, why doesn't he want me??) because they were going through hard times and Corey wanted nothing to do with her until she got an apartment and then all of the sudden he was all about her again.Plus they just got engaged, are you kidding me?? They were engaged before and that didn't end very well for them so they rush back into it after only being back together for 2 weeks?? Yeah thats real frickin smart!!! Anyways they both were saying some very mean and hateful things to me, and to my fiance.They even went as far as to telling him not to marry me, are you frickin serious?? Well good thats two less people that will be at my wedding and if they do go through with it I am certainly not going to theirs!! 

   I am just beyond words right now.They were suppose to be my friends.I feel so hurt and betrayed its not even funny. The only thing I can do is pick myself up, dust myself and move on with my life.I don't need those kind of people around me and I refuse to deal with them!I will make something of myself and have a good life.All I know is I will never help those two ever again and when they fall flat on his ass they can stay there.

Lessons Learned

The two loves of my life

                                                                                                                                                       I do not regret where my life has taken me even though right now things are rough for myself and my family right now.   I believe that every move we make has direct effect for the future and because things are so rough right now I believe with a little hard work we will have a great life later on.Here are some lessons I have learned in the past couple of months. One never ever ever live with friends or family it will always end badly.I have learned this lesson the hard way.We have had to do this three times and once we get out of his parents house we are never going to do it again! Living with friends and family is a huge mistake,mainly because Kenny and I are use to our routine and everybody else is use to theirs.I look forward to the day when Kenny and I have a place of our own and we can have Alexis full time and not have to worry rather or not she is being taken care of properly. I hate the fact that we haven't been able to see for the past 2 weeks that little girl is everything to me and I worry constantly when she is in her mother's care.Yeah yeah I know the step mother is suppose to be the monster in this equation but I am really not, I care about that little girl like she was my own and I want whats best for her. I know Kenny is worried that because I am pregnant with our first child that I am going to treat Alexis differently but I could never do that.I love her unconditionally and I love her as she was my own flesh and blood and nothing is going to change that not even me giving birth to my own perfect baby. The second thing I learned is be careful who let into your house.I was a fool to trust certain people and the sting of there betrayal still hurts.I will never forgive than man I once called brother because he stole my kitten Gizmo and I found out that he was talking behind my back.Which leads me to my next lesson learned I need to stop being so naive and stop trusting the wrong people and hanging out for with a better caliber of people.The last lesson I learned is that in order to get anywhere in this life is you have to work hard, never give up, and keep on going no matter how many times life kicks when your down.Just keep moving, and for me my 3 biggest motivators are my finace, Alexis. and my unborn child I would do anything for them to make our lives better.

 

 

 

 

Alexis and I going down the slide at the playground on Easter Day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                                                                                                                  

The Beginning

        I guess the only place for me to start is the beginning which would  be May of last year...... 

        May of 2011 was a rough time for me, I had just broke up with my boyfriend of two years because I felt our relationship wasn't going to go any further than it had and I always knew that I wanted to be a wife and a mother.I knew if I stayed with him that would never happened, its not that he didn't love me or I love him but if we got married and had children we would of been miserable together because that is not what he wanted.I am not the type of person to force my ideals on another person which is why I broke up with him...anyways I got on the computer one night and was looking up people from high school on facebook and I came across this one man that I went to high school, his name is Kenneth. I remembered him vividly I had such a crush on him in high school (we even dated a couple of weeks) so I thought what the hell and friend requested him.

      The next day Kenneth messaged me on facebook and we immediately hit it off. We had so much in common our love for country music, we liked fishing.camping, hiking and anything to do with the outdoors. Anyways after a couple of weeks of messaging we finally decided to meet up at my favorite hang out spot.I had every intention of going home that night or making him sleep on the couch, well it didn't quite work that way. We ended up spending the whole night talking.He finally kissed me.It was the best kiss I ever had, it was so sweet he actually asked to kiss me...After that night we started dating, our first official date was a concert called the DFB.And we were inseparable or so I thought....

     To say Kenny came without baggage would be a lie.Before he got together with me he was with a woman named Vicki and ended up fathering a child and right before he got together with me he was with another woman whose name I don't even like to mention because she caused so much drama in the beginning of relationship . Kenny and I were together for 3 weeks when his ex contacted him and said that she was pregnant.She blackmailed him into going back to him, by saying she would go to his ex and get his rights taken away as a father so he left me. That was a very dark time for me..although Kenny and I were only together for 3 weeks I had fallen for him hard.He was not like any other man I ever met...It took 3 more weeks for us to get back together because he found out that his ex had lied to him about being pregnant.The moment he was able to get free of her he called me so we could talk.

 I remember the phone call vividly...."Amber", he said...Not recognizing the voice right away I replied " who this?" He said." Kenny its can you get to Parish so we can talk" I said" yea I will be there". I got there as fast as I could,my plan was to tell him off but the moment I pulled into the driveway and saw Kenny all I wanted him to do was tell me everything would be okay and wrap his arms around me.He explained everything to me and I reluctantly took back.People thought I was crazy but I knew Kenny was the man I wanted...We got back together despite people telling me I was crazy. I knew what I could live with and what I could live without and I knew Kenny fell into the later category...Fast forward to September, Kenny and I found out we were pregnant and the crazy thing was we weren't even trying, it just kinda happened. After the initial shock wore off we were extremely happy.Then my happiness was shattered October 7th when I went into my doctors and he told me that my baby had no heart beat, I was devastated. My little tadpole was only 7 weeks and 3 days and I was suppose to be 8 weeks and 6 days..I felt so horrible like I could of done something more to keep my baby alive. I was catatonic for 5 days and a zombie for 3 weeks.By Thanksgiving I was feeling more like myself again and then Christmas Eve Kenny proposed and I said yes!!!

Which brings me to today we are going through a rough time. We are all for purposes homeless and jobless at the moment but his parents are helping us out. Plus I am 6 weeks and 4 days pregnant.Right now we are doing what we can to make ourselves better so we can have a good life for us and our baby.Its hard but we will get there.

I have so many thoughts that if I wrote them all down now it would be like 6 pages long so I am stopping for now...